...Jiaoqiu, I do not find any healing in you taking on more pain as if to free me from it. It is sucking the poison out from a wound and taking it on yourself. In fact, it will make me feel worse.
And... I do not want you to tell me it won't matter, because you just told me that you wouldn't tell me if it did.
[ yea, he changed his mind because that sad little smile upset him... ]
I said no such thing. [ first of all, but: ] You see it this way and assume that I do too, and you shouldn't. Speaking your worries is sharing the burden, not offloading it onto me.
Regardless, I shouldn't have asked. You have the free will to tell me what you want, and I've overstepped. My apologies.
It's alright. I don't need you to apologize to me. [ he says, gently. ] You should feel comfortable and at ease confiding in me. If I've failed to make that happen, it's my problem, not yours.
[ a beat. ]
In any case. I suspected as much. I've heard some from the others. [ ... ] But I've already been through what you experienced, and it doesn't hurt me the way I think it might hurt you.
[ that's not the point, it's - just making things worse, so he just shuts up about it, and listens to what jiaoqiu says, and looks down at his hands in his lap. ]
I'm not unused to war. [ the front lines, yes, but - his very first experience out was with a group of refugees, who so kindly took him in. and his final moments of life were... well. ] Its ravages have destroyed countless lives in my homeland.
And... I wish I better knew what to say. [ unfortunately, he too is a private person, though it's more by necessity than it is by choice. but, jiaoqiu wants him to try, so. ] Only that I am sorry that you have had to experience such things.
[ a little smile with the first bit, accepting the sentiment, because. yeah! warfare. ] I know Claude is quite familiar with it as well...I imagine many of us are. In that sense, I am glad that - whatever this strange experience was, it was something that at least we were equipped to handle.
[ even the tragedies that came with it, the senseless death - it was all such a whirlwind of familiarity, for better or for worse.
jiaoqiu is and has been very kind - that is not unfamiliar at all, and the comfort and security he provides in these statements is not unnoticed. there's a soft huff, and his smile is a bit rueful, as he looks down and admits: ]
It is not something I am so practiced in doing - you will have to forgive me. [ asking for his wants. what taair wants never matters. ] And it is not you, I swear, but rather, it is my own rusted skills that are the issue. You have always been kind, Jiaoqiu, and I find you very easy to talk to.
[ another moment of silence, as he weighs it over. it's... fine, to proceed forward. he thinks - the steps just may be unsteady. ] ....What did the others tell you? Let's start there.
[ still gentle, still calm, like always. he settles back, now confident that taair's injuries are on the way to healing. ]
Claude let slip that at some point, you were to kill General Feixiao. [ no emotion, here. ] Richie gave me a name he shouldn't know - Hoolay. He told me that he experienced the way that I died in great detail.
[ ... ]
Everything before that, I'm not sure. A camp, a few battles.
[ haha. yeah. the feixiao thing does get him to look away again - opening his mouth and closing it, looking this time down at his hands. ]
I... don't know about the others, but much of it still feels like a blur. I still feel as though I'm standing with a foot in two different lives.
[ but, he nods to the general story, the details from others. ]
That does about cover it. [ the mention of hoolay, too. ] We spoke with many kind, intelligent, wonderful people - some familiar to us, as I know now, and some not. We experienced some strange affects, here and there, and... the mara-struck illness notwithstanding.
...The Xianzhou is beautiful. I was glad to have seen it, however brief.
[ he thinks about this for a long time, and then: ]
I have never loved a place more than the Xianzhou. It is my home.
[ absently. and then a little more present: ]
What I've gathered from the pieces you have all given me is that you experienced... parts of my life. Or rather, echoes. Copies. [ ... ] Which brings me to the conclusion that the wonderful people that you met, you lost.
[ ah. empathy squeezes in his chest, hard, and it draws a very soft smile from taair. ]
It's a wonderful, lively place. And... one that remained, even despite the situation - at least...I think so.
[ one of his last memories of that place was hoolay imploding so that's probably a good sign. though... what jiaoqiu says confirms even more that it wasn't necessarily a real experience, despite the injuries, and... despite the bonds. what jiaoqiu says makes sense - that it was parts and copies of his life - and he nods a little to that, brows pinching in concern. thus the reason why perhaps wanting not to tell him was so scary.
as he carries on, taair falls silent again, and closes his eyes. a moment to compose himself, before it falls into a small smile - it's sad. ]
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historicals) wrote2025-02-08 03:32 pm
no subject
Jiaoqiu, if I tell you what I think, you will tell me that it doesn't matter, and we will be trapped in this circle for all eternity together.
no subject
I don't want to know if you're going to tell me it like I've forced it from your lips. This does not help either of us.
no subject
[ :<
after a long moment, he sighs. ]
...Jiaoqiu, I do not find any healing in you taking on more pain as if to free me from it. It is sucking the poison out from a wound and taking it on yourself. In fact, it will make me feel worse.
And... I do not want you to tell me it won't matter, because you just told me that you wouldn't tell me if it did.
no subject
I said no such thing. [ first of all, but: ] You see it this way and assume that I do too, and you shouldn't. Speaking your worries is sharing the burden, not offloading it onto me.
Regardless, I shouldn't have asked. You have the free will to tell me what you want, and I've overstepped. My apologies.
no subject
he flinches a little, at this, and ducks his head. if there was anything to push back about he drops it. ]
…I should be the one to apologize. [ why did he push? Why didn’t he just say yes? should have just said yes. ] I misunderstood. I’m sorry.
I… only hesitated because it was so close to you. That’s all.
no subject
It's alright. I don't need you to apologize to me. [ he says, gently. ] You should feel comfortable and at ease confiding in me. If I've failed to make that happen, it's my problem, not yours.
[ a beat. ]
In any case. I suspected as much. I've heard some from the others. [ ... ] But I've already been through what you experienced, and it doesn't hurt me the way I think it might hurt you.
no subject
... You... haven't failed that all.
[ that's not the point, it's - just making things worse, so he just shuts up about it, and listens to what jiaoqiu says, and looks down at his hands in his lap. ]
I'm not unused to war. [ the front lines, yes, but - his very first experience out was with a group of refugees, who so kindly took him in. and his final moments of life were... well. ] Its ravages have destroyed countless lives in my homeland.
And... I wish I better knew what to say. [ unfortunately, he too is a private person, though it's more by necessity than it is by choice. but, jiaoqiu wants him to try, so. ] Only that I am sorry that you have had to experience such things.
no subject
he's quiet, for a moment, thinking. ]
It is not an uncommon thing, war. I'm sorry you've experienced it as well. [ he tilts his head. ]
Do you want to talk about this further? Or should I drop it? [ ear flick. ] Tell me to drop it, if that's how you feel. I mean it.
Do not flinch so terribly at being open with what you want with me, little hummingbird. My teeth are old and soft. I won't bite.
no subject
[ a little smile with the first bit, accepting the sentiment, because. yeah! warfare. ] I know Claude is quite familiar with it as well...I imagine many of us are. In that sense, I am glad that - whatever this strange experience was, it was something that at least we were equipped to handle.
[ even the tragedies that came with it, the senseless death - it was all such a whirlwind of familiarity, for better or for worse.
jiaoqiu is and has been very kind - that is not unfamiliar at all, and the comfort and security he provides in these statements is not unnoticed. there's a soft huff, and his smile is a bit rueful, as he looks down and admits: ]
It is not something I am so practiced in doing - you will have to forgive me. [ asking for his wants. what taair wants never matters. ] And it is not you, I swear, but rather, it is my own rusted skills that are the issue. You have always been kind, Jiaoqiu, and I find you very easy to talk to.
[ another moment of silence, as he weighs it over. it's... fine, to proceed forward. he thinks - the steps just may be unsteady. ] ....What did the others tell you? Let's start there.
no subject
[ still gentle, still calm, like always. he settles back, now confident that taair's injuries are on the way to healing. ]
Claude let slip that at some point, you were to kill General Feixiao. [ no emotion, here. ] Richie gave me a name he shouldn't know - Hoolay. He told me that he experienced the way that I died in great detail.
[ ... ]
Everything before that, I'm not sure. A camp, a few battles.
no subject
I... don't know about the others, but much of it still feels like a blur. I still feel as though I'm standing with a foot in two different lives.
[ but, he nods to the general story, the details from others. ]
That does about cover it. [ the mention of hoolay, too. ] We spoke with many kind, intelligent, wonderful people - some familiar to us, as I know now, and some not. We experienced some strange affects, here and there, and... the mara-struck illness notwithstanding.
...The Xianzhou is beautiful. I was glad to have seen it, however brief.
no subject
I have never loved a place more than the Xianzhou. It is my home.
[ absently. and then a little more present: ]
What I've gathered from the pieces you have all given me is that you experienced... parts of my life. Or rather, echoes. Copies. [ ... ] Which brings me to the conclusion that the wonderful people that you met, you lost.
no subject
It's a wonderful, lively place. And... one that remained, even despite the situation - at least...I think so.
[ one of his last memories of that place was hoolay imploding so that's probably a good sign. though... what jiaoqiu says confirms even more that it wasn't necessarily a real experience, despite the injuries, and... despite the bonds. what jiaoqiu says makes sense - that it was parts and copies of his life - and he nods a little to that, brows pinching in concern. thus the reason why perhaps wanting not to tell him was so scary.
as he carries on, taair falls silent again, and closes his eyes. a moment to compose himself, before it falls into a small smile - it's sad. ]
Many of them. [ ... ] But, not all.