[ haha! god. he doesn't even register it when jiaoqiu takes him by the arms, because he's completely lost in the familiarity of the memory. the sights and sounds of someone's flesh being torn apart by the exact same wolf that killed him in jiaoqiu's memories is too much, the mirror maze feeling claustrophobic, crushing, stereo sound repeating a nightmarish experience in his ears.
he hadn't told jiaoqiu exactly what happened this far in, but - well by now, it's likely obvious. his head is spinning, his heart thundering in his chest, and jiaoqiu's request to breathe comes like it's coming through water. he does - another sharp heaving gasp, forcing his ribs (they're not broken anymore, they haven't been torn into, everything's still there) to not crush his lungs under the weight, tasting blood in the back of his mouth that's not really there. his hands are shaking as hard as the rest of him, but at the request, breathe, breathe he manages to bring one trembling hand up to curl in jiaoqiu's clothes. and then the other.
it's fight, is what it is. trying not get swept under entirely by the flashback, by the force of the current of memory. taair grabs on hesitantly at first, then tight, white knuckled, and tries to force himself to calm down. breathe in. breathe out. breathe in, breathe out. breathe in, breathe out. ]
[ softly, again, as he pulls taair in a little closer. the hand in his clothes is welcome - he tucks taair against his chest and rests a hand on the back of his head, hides his face for him. keeps him there loosely, and breathes in and out, evenly. lets him follow jiaoqiu's breathing.
he thinks he knows why this is happening, and it digs at him, twists uncomfortably in his chest. ]
Listen to me, and follow my breathing, hm?
[ and he'll just - talk, for a few minutes, describing what flowers he's been growing in the garden with a steady, soft voice. ]
[ jiaoqiu is an excellent healer - taair has known this, of course - and he's good at his job. even without that, though, he's a soothing presence and a dear friend, and the combination of both of those things is the anchor that he needs to claw back through the presence of the memories.
the words sound like they're coming through water, but he listens, and slowly. slowly, bit by bit, taair's breathing starts to settle. no more terrified hummingbird banging through his ribcage, though his heart is still pounding hard, and he feels cold all over - words of mumbled nothingness through ringing ears and torn flesh turn to actual phrases, and he takes a deep, slow, shuddering breath. in, and out.
the memory stops cycling, leaving them in the relative quiet of this corner he found, and that helps too. one more, and then. ]
-- Sorry, I... I'm sorry. [ sorry for losing it, there, but - it hits a second later, and he finally lifts his head, pale and shaky and looking desperately upset, not for himself, but for jiaoqiu as he curls his hands a little tighter. ] Jiaoqiu... Jiaoqiu, I'm so sorry.
[ softer, as he meets taair's gaze - or, well, mostly. this close up, it really is more apparent than he isn't looking quite right. he lets his hand slide down from taair's head, but rests it on his shoulder, instead. ]
... You must have experienced it the way Richie did, then. [ he says, voice not - dull, but approaching it. ]
[ a beat. he swallows, hard - and yes, he's noticed that, the way jiaoqiu can't quite look, but that's something to touch on in a second, when he's not so overwhelmed with a bottomless amount of empathy for his dear friend. ] No, it... it was more like - it was like you.
I... I did almost the same thing. [ taair lets out a little laugh - soft, tumbling out of his mouth before he can stop it. he finally frees a hand, wiping his mouth with the back of his wrist, trying to put his words back together properly at the mirror he sees. sometimes, he sees himself in jiaoqiu in his best parts, and sometimes - he's not stupid, and he sees them in his worst. here, too, he saw them. ] I was dying. I thought... I could kill him with the marastruck sickness, so I...
[ crunch went hollow bones, to the give and take of flesh. he shakes his head, again, and reaches up to cover the hand on his shoulder, squeezing it. ]
... Your - the tumbledust that you brought from home. It... oh, Jiaoqiu.
he laughs, just a little, at this. not in a mean way. he just rubs at his face, glancing at taair. ]
Of course you did. [ because it's the same for him, he sees some of the worst parts of himself reflecting in taair's behavior, and he wants to correct it. he wants to make it so that taair doesn't follow his example in this, because it's a path to misery.
silence, for a moment. ]
It does seem like a little bit of a targeted thing, doesn't it. [ the tumbledust. ]
[ yeah. sometimes you just kind of have to laugh about it, because it checks out! it's fine. he feels about the same now that the initial moment is over, though it has been rapidly replaced by a crushing since of worry and sorrow for his dear jiaoqiu.
shivering a little, he stops and actually sets back to think on the memory itself. beyond the awful familiarity, back to the first part. back to... ]
Yes, it... [ ...
realization hits, slowly. optic neuropathy. ] ...Jiaoqiu. Can you see?
[ his tail swishes behind him, because - he hates getting this question every single time it's come up. there's no reason to lie. there's really no reason to have kept it a secret this long other than the fact that he doesn't want to be seen as weak.
his jaw works, and then: ]
... Not well.
[ ... ]
It isn't enough to stop me from doing my job as a healer.
[ he still has purpose. he's still able to help. ]
[ there's surprise in his voice - the thought had never even crossed his mind, that jiaoqiu would be any of less of anything, and he looks up at him, for a moment the trauma just temporarily forgotten in the face of what he can recognize as discomfort, and a discomfort that maybe he can immediately soothe. in his sincerity, in his seriousness. he reaches out, and takes his hands, and squeezes them. ]
Jiaoqiu, the fact that you do all that you do is incredible. And you've only been... this is what brought you here, right? So it's only been a few weeks, and you've adapted to it so quickly that you're capable of such accuracy and precision in - everything. It isn't even just that it's wonderful, it's just... I expect nothing less of that kind of strength of will and of intelligence from someone like you. I can only imagine how incredible it will continue to be, as you grow more and more used to it.
[ hoorrughh this is so very, very kind of taair. and he hears it and he appreciates it but he has never in his life known what to do with this sort of praise. taair takes his hands, and jiaoqiu fidgets, almost uncomfortably.
silence, for a moment. ]
Yes, well. Thank you. [ flustered... ] It isn't so remarkable, really.
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no subject
he hadn't told jiaoqiu exactly what happened this far in, but - well by now, it's likely obvious. his head is spinning, his heart thundering in his chest, and jiaoqiu's request to breathe comes like it's coming through water. he does - another sharp heaving gasp, forcing his ribs (they're not broken anymore, they haven't been torn into, everything's still there) to not crush his lungs under the weight, tasting blood in the back of his mouth that's not really there. his hands are shaking as hard as the rest of him, but at the request, breathe, breathe he manages to bring one trembling hand up to curl in jiaoqiu's clothes. and then the other.
it's fight, is what it is. trying not get swept under entirely by the flashback, by the force of the current of memory. taair grabs on hesitantly at first, then tight, white knuckled, and tries to force himself to calm down. breathe in. breathe out. breathe in, breathe out. breathe in, breathe out. ]
no subject
[ softly, again, as he pulls taair in a little closer. the hand in his clothes is welcome - he tucks taair against his chest and rests a hand on the back of his head, hides his face for him. keeps him there loosely, and breathes in and out, evenly. lets him follow jiaoqiu's breathing.
he thinks he knows why this is happening, and it digs at him, twists uncomfortably in his chest. ]
Listen to me, and follow my breathing, hm?
[ and he'll just - talk, for a few minutes, describing what flowers he's been growing in the garden with a steady, soft voice. ]
no subject
the words sound like they're coming through water, but he listens, and slowly. slowly, bit by bit, taair's breathing starts to settle. no more terrified hummingbird banging through his ribcage, though his heart is still pounding hard, and he feels cold all over - words of mumbled nothingness through ringing ears and torn flesh turn to actual phrases, and he takes a deep, slow, shuddering breath. in, and out.
the memory stops cycling, leaving them in the relative quiet of this corner he found, and that helps too. one more, and then. ]
-- Sorry, I... I'm sorry. [ sorry for losing it, there, but - it hits a second later, and he finally lifts his head, pale and shaky and looking desperately upset, not for himself, but for jiaoqiu as he curls his hands a little tighter. ] Jiaoqiu... Jiaoqiu, I'm so sorry.
no subject
[ softer, as he meets taair's gaze - or, well, mostly. this close up, it really is more apparent than he isn't looking quite right. he lets his hand slide down from taair's head, but rests it on his shoulder, instead. ]
... You must have experienced it the way Richie did, then. [ he says, voice not - dull, but approaching it. ]
no subject
[ a beat. he swallows, hard - and yes, he's noticed that, the way jiaoqiu can't quite look, but that's something to touch on in a second, when he's not so overwhelmed with a bottomless amount of empathy for his dear friend. ] No, it... it was more like - it was like you.
I... I did almost the same thing. [ taair lets out a little laugh - soft, tumbling out of his mouth before he can stop it. he finally frees a hand, wiping his mouth with the back of his wrist, trying to put his words back together properly at the mirror he sees. sometimes, he sees himself in jiaoqiu in his best parts, and sometimes - he's not stupid, and he sees them in his worst. here, too, he saw them. ] I was dying. I thought... I could kill him with the marastruck sickness, so I...
[ crunch went hollow bones, to the give and take of flesh. he shakes his head, again, and reaches up to cover the hand on his shoulder, squeezing it. ]
... Your - the tumbledust that you brought from home. It... oh, Jiaoqiu.
no subject
he laughs, just a little, at this. not in a mean way. he just rubs at his face, glancing at taair. ]
Of course you did. [ because it's the same for him, he sees some of the worst parts of himself reflecting in taair's behavior, and he wants to correct it. he wants to make it so that taair doesn't follow his example in this, because it's a path to misery.
silence, for a moment. ]
It does seem like a little bit of a targeted thing, doesn't it. [ the tumbledust. ]
no subject
shivering a little, he stops and actually sets back to think on the memory itself. beyond the awful familiarity, back to the first part. back to... ]
Yes, it... [ ...
realization hits, slowly. optic neuropathy. ] ...Jiaoqiu. Can you see?
no subject
his jaw works, and then: ]
... Not well.
[ ... ]
It isn't enough to stop me from doing my job as a healer.
[ he still has purpose. he's still able to help. ]
no subject
Of course it doesn't.
[ there's surprise in his voice - the thought had never even crossed his mind, that jiaoqiu would be any of less of anything, and he looks up at him, for a moment the trauma just temporarily forgotten in the face of what he can recognize as discomfort, and a discomfort that maybe he can immediately soothe. in his sincerity, in his seriousness. he reaches out, and takes his hands, and squeezes them. ]
Jiaoqiu, the fact that you do all that you do is incredible. And you've only been... this is what brought you here, right? So it's only been a few weeks, and you've adapted to it so quickly that you're capable of such accuracy and precision in - everything. It isn't even just that it's wonderful, it's just... I expect nothing less of that kind of strength of will and of intelligence from someone like you. I can only imagine how incredible it will continue to be, as you grow more and more used to it.
no subject
silence, for a moment. ]
Yes, well. Thank you. [ flustered... ] It isn't so remarkable, really.
no subject
... Oh, no, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be embarrassing...
[ SOMETIMES YOU ARE JUST!!! VERY SINCERE!!!!! he lets go of his hands, flustering now too. ]
no subject
No, no. You - you weren't. [ he's embarrassed, but he doesn't hate it. ] You are very kind to me.