No. I won't do that. [ it's just not in his nature to do so. and when he does, when he cracks just a little, he's met with well, this is the way it has to be. he knows. he knows it is. ]
You just did it - you decided that I thought you were burdensome, without my permission or say. Is that not what you have told me to fight against? Other people deciding for me?
It is not objective. It is, inherently, a decision that requires two people's feelings on something to make a judgement - making it a literal impossibility to be objective. You are one of the most intelligent people I have ever met, but I am a historian, and this, specifically, is an argument you cannot win.
[ a beat. there's no meanness in his words, because of course there isn't - there's weight, but it comes rooted so deeply in care. ]
And even if you wanted to argue it was a burden - who are you to decide what I can and cannot carry, Jiaoqiu?
[ ... well, alright. after a fairly devastating day, this is pretty heartbreaking. he can take being snapped at, but he just looks at him for a long moment after, expression just - sad. ]
...I understand how you feel, in many ways. Perhaps more than you think. [ how heavy. how impossible it is, when you want to help someone and you know there's nothing you can do.
maybe - in the end, maybe the thin glass wall is jiaoqiu's problem, but it's not for the way he thinks it is. maybe it's because he gives and gives and gives - but he doesn't allow himself to take, in return. he won't say that, because jiaoqiu won't listen. maybe he'd listen to someone who was better at this.
...
he shakes his head, and after a moment, smiles - gentle and apologetic. ]
[ he's like - agitated, but it's not in an angry way. he's so very not angry, he's upset, because he doesn't have the words to get at why he hurts. he is self aware, but not enough to be able to speak it, to therapize it, so it just sits heavy and thick in his chest, cloying.
the apology just makes him feel a little worse, because he knows taair is trying to help him. but it feels bad to do, because he can't express how to be helped. he doesn't know what will.
his eyes burn, and he brings his hand back down to pull his fur out again, ears pinned back. ]
[ the hand curled in his sleeve stays there, though his grip loosens just a little, and after a moment, he gently leans back against jiaoqiu. watching him pull at his fur makes him feel awful, but he lets him for a second, as he tries to figure out exactly what he wants to say.
do not be afraid to speak your wants to me. jiaoqiu said, all those weeks ago. and in the quiet observant point of view of someone who looks from the outside in, some of those issues feel like they've come into focus. it is another issue taair will only be able to write about, but one he can see in the long view, nevertheless.
he makes a soft noise of agreement. ] I will always try.
[ and with that, he falls silent for a few thoughtful moments, closing his eyes. it takes a long time for him to speak again, but eventually:]
...Trying is a two way street. [ taair's voice is very soft as he says so, the words stripped bare. ] A person's hand can only stretch so far: just like with Lucas.
Not with me, maybe, if you do not want to, but... I hope so ardently that one day, there will be someone, or something, that helps you reach out for this, too.
[ trying is a two way street. he can't expect people to hold their hands out if he keeps ignoring them. he knows that. it's an ugly snarl of an emotion, of wanting but being unable to take. if he does, it'll be proof that he can't do anything by himself. he can. he can.
he's silent too, staring into nothing. he can barely even see taair, these days. it's getting worse. ]
It isn't... I don't. [ how does he explain that he doesn't know how to unsnarl on his own? he's tied up too far in the bear trap and he bites whenever anybody gets close. that chases people away. they give up.
[ he appreciates it - he appreciates the response, he appreciates the way he stumbles, awkwardly, the way he's doing it just now. he's trying, even if it's tiny steps. he releases his sleeve, now, and sets his delicate hand on jiaoqiu's wrist where he's picking at his tail, gently resting his fingers there.
there's a soft little laugh - one note, more rueful than anything. ]
...I think that's understandable, my friend. [ voice gentle. ] Akin to taking a very, very bitter medicine with difficult side effects, I think it will not come down to 'want to'. I think it will come down to 'have to'.
[ someone is going to have to drag him kicking and screaming through it, whoever that might be. ]
But... it does not all have to come at once, either. It would be a fool's choice, to ask you to bare your heart and soul to someone else all at once. [ he curls his hand, gently, now holding on again. ] A small step is a start.
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No. I won't do that. [ it's just not in his nature to do so. and when he does, when he cracks just a little, he's met with well, this is the way it has to be. he knows. he knows it is. ]
My apologies, I've allowed myself to be a burden.
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he -- tugs his sleeve. this time, more insistently. ]
Jiaoqiu.
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Taair.
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...Why must you decide what I feel for me?
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that startles him slightly, and he actually looks it, for a second. ]
What?
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You just did it - you decided that I thought you were burdensome, without my permission or say. Is that not what you have told me to fight against? Other people deciding for me?
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That... that wasn't what I meant. [ ... ] That isn't the same thing.
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Tell me how it is not.
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It isn't deciding for you when it's objective.
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[ a beat. there's no meanness in his words, because of course there isn't - there's weight, but it comes rooted so deeply in care. ]
And even if you wanted to argue it was a burden - who are you to decide what I can and cannot carry, Jiaoqiu?
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I don't want to talk about this. It will not help anybody.
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You don’t know that. Have you tried?
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[ snapped, a little sharply. ]
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...I understand how you feel, in many ways. Perhaps more than you think. [ how heavy. how impossible it is, when you want to help someone and you know there's nothing you can do.
maybe - in the end, maybe the thin glass wall is jiaoqiu's problem, but it's not for the way he thinks it is. maybe it's because he gives and gives and gives - but he doesn't allow himself to take, in return. he won't say that, because jiaoqiu won't listen. maybe he'd listen to someone who was better at this.
...
he shakes his head, and after a moment, smiles - gentle and apologetic. ]
I will behave. I'm sorry. We can drop it.
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the apology just makes him feel a little worse, because he knows taair is trying to help him. but it feels bad to do, because he can't express how to be helped. he doesn't know what will.
his eyes burn, and he brings his hand back down to pull his fur out again, ears pinned back. ]
Don't apologize for trying.
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do not be afraid to speak your wants to me. jiaoqiu said, all those weeks ago. and in the quiet observant point of view of someone who looks from the outside in, some of those issues feel like they've come into focus. it is another issue taair will only be able to write about, but one he can see in the long view, nevertheless.
he makes a soft noise of agreement. ] I will always try.
[ and with that, he falls silent for a few thoughtful moments, closing his eyes. it takes a long time for him to speak again, but eventually:]
...Trying is a two way street. [ taair's voice is very soft as he says so, the words stripped bare. ] A person's hand can only stretch so far: just like with Lucas.
Not with me, maybe, if you do not want to, but... I hope so ardently that one day, there will be someone, or something, that helps you reach out for this, too.
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he's silent too, staring into nothing. he can barely even see taair, these days. it's getting worse. ]
It isn't... I don't. [ how does he explain that he doesn't know how to unsnarl on his own? he's tied up too far in the bear trap and he bites whenever anybody gets close. that chases people away. they give up.
... ]
I'm never going to want to.
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there's a soft little laugh - one note, more rueful than anything. ]
...I think that's understandable, my friend. [ voice gentle. ] Akin to taking a very, very bitter medicine with difficult side effects, I think it will not come down to 'want to'. I think it will come down to 'have to'.
[ someone is going to have to drag him kicking and screaming through it, whoever that might be. ]
But... it does not all have to come at once, either. It would be a fool's choice, to ask you to bare your heart and soul to someone else all at once. [ he curls his hand, gently, now holding on again. ] A small step is a start.