pc catchall | turboheaven | yves

[historicals]

seems like their vibe

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week 4 saturday

[historicals]

[ hi. where are you!!!!!! that's it that's the starter i really had something better written here and decided no nevermind ]

[noirges]

[ bar...

he is not making himself hard to find, he is just not approaching anyone this week because sometimes you are constantly a part of situations and don't know who wants to see you ]

[historicals]

[ oh good he's probably hanging out in the tavern tonight anyway. seeing yves, taair's emotions do a little sunburst - a bright fizz of worry and anxiety, warmth, before it fades off into calm. he comes up behind him, and then clears his throat to announce that he's there, then, without any preamble, takes the seat beside him. ]

Two glasses of wine, please.

[ thank you gabriel who i am assigning hanging out here but being respectful

and once they're poured, he gently nudges one to yves. ]

Hello, my dear friend.

[noirges]

[ well the vibes from yves aren't great. they were hard to parse through during trial but now they're more obvious. there's so much guilt, a pervasive sense of failure, and enough self-hatred to tranq a fucking horse. do you ever just never reveal to people that you kind of hate yourself until it all shows up like this?

the confusion amplifies when taair comes and sits by him, though he'll take the wine because he is polite. ]

... Taair?

[historicals]

[ honestly yeah

he's kind of expecting the whammy of emotions because he knows he's coming in quietly - it's a storm, wild and thrashing, but it's not unfamiliar, and while he doesn't necessarily take it all, he weathers it like a little boat on a sea, a sense of calm pervading his own as he settles down beside him properly in the chair. calm, and... something heartbreakingly sad, something deeply empathetic, and overall, something aching with care. ]

... I don't think that I am very surprised that you are surprised. [ he says, gentle. ] But it breaks my heart, even so.

Today, I will be glad to subvert your expectations - I am happy to be here, and here I shall stay, if you'll have me.

[noirges]

[ . . . there's still uncertainty, even though he finds himself leaning toward that care. he doesn't think he deserves it. he wants it. always, he wants so badly to be loved—but today he's done nothing to earn it. it feels so impossibly selfish for him to even think about it. ]

... I won't stop you, but I...

I don't want you to feel obligated.

[historicals]

I do not feel even remotely obligated.

[ that is the fastest he's actually said that in his whole ass life - firm, and immediate, as he turns in his seat to actually look at him properly. ]

In fact, that is one of my very favorite things here, is that I so rarely feel obligated. I am able to do things that I want to do - and what I want to do, right now, is to support someone who is very, very dear to me. There is no "but" or "what if", there simply is.

[ and then - a little softer. ]

...Yves, this is something I have always wanted to offer to you.

[noirges]

[ . . . ? there is a little bit of confusion here that peeks out. ]

Support me...?

But you always do, Taair...

[historicals]

[ he expected this also - there's a flicker of fondness, but it's so sad. ]

...You said to me once that we must take heartbreak piece by piece, or there is simply too much for one person to hold.

[ he says, his voice soft. ]

How much heartbreak have you held back on, for the sake of the people around you?

[noirges]

[ . . . there's a little bit of confusion there. he doesn't know how to answer. how much heartbreak has he held back on? he thinks he feels everything that he needs to. he thinks today is the worst it's been in a long while. probably since adolphe died.

but he's trying to be sincere and reflective. ]

... I can handle myself most of the time.

[ he really does believe this ]

Today is just... harder.

[historicals]

[ he can tell he's being sincere, is the thing - he's always sincere - and that's even more heartbreaking. he reaches out for a moment, fingers curling, and then commits, setting his hand on his arm, and then over his hand and squeezing it. he must be able to feel it, the sense of something aching for a friend, heartbreak to hear him say such things like it's nothing. ]

Yves, do you hear yourself...? "Today is just harder" - after killing someone that you care for? For all of the times you've repeated experiences like these, alone... do they ever get any easier?

[noirges]

[ there is a little surprise at being touched, even though taair is kind enough in being here at all. but there is also something grateful for it. that he's not being pushed away or reviled. even though he did something so violent and horrifying, that he's still only being met with kindness.

he wants it, so badly, even if he doesn't think he's done a single thing to deserve it ]

... no. [ softly, because taair has seen his memories. seen that yves died killing a friend. ]

But I...

[ have to keep going ]

I don't think I'm the one people should be worrying about... when I'm the one who still gets to be here.

[historicals]

[ no. no, it doesn't get better. he felt it, he felt the awful twist of love and despair in his memories. strong emotions, strong compassion, strong hurt, and never, ever setting down the load. ]

As you still yet lived at home? As you still yet carried the losses of all those who left? [ he squeezes again - pressing gentle, but still pressing. ] Why, here, must you be the person to carry these loads alone?

[noirges]

... I don't do it intentionally.

[ softly, a little sheepishly. ]

I'm the one who decided to hurt her, even if it was for the sake of her soul... I don't think anyone else has to show compassion for me, especially when she was also their friend...

[historicals]

I know that you don't.

[ which is just as upsetting, and his emotions twist with it - there's fondness and so much sorrow. ]

...Yves... [ ... ] Don't say anything about anyone else. What is your opinion of yourself?

[noirges]

[ . . . ]

... I'm okay most of the time. I have fun with people, and I think I'm lucky to be cared for. I do what I can to make people happy, because I... want them to be happy.

[ this is true. most of his disposition is just this happy go lucky guy and that is real and true. however. ]

There... are times where I do hate myself too, though. [ like now. ] I know I can be arrogant. I can be selfish, and accept that care even when I shouldn't.

[historicals]

[ he reaches out - there's a beat, because it's a little more sure of a gesture than he usually does, but as he's finishing his last sentence, he puts his finger on yves' mouth, on his lips in a shh gesture. stop. ]

Right there. "Accept care even when I shouldn't." According to whom?

[ removing his hand after he says that ]

[noirges]

[ ?

again, confusion. ]

Me.

[ and maybe it's a little surprise how quickly he says it, how quickly he owns it, but yves has always been a little arrogant in the quietest of ways ]

I hurt someone today, Taair. I wouldn't blame anyone for turning away from me.

[historicals]

You did. That is a fact.

[ that you would not blame someone, that you're willing to let them step away, that actions have consequences. ]

But it is also a fact that what you did hurt you. [ there's a ripple in his emotions, of worry and care. ] These things can exist in tandem.

[ a pause. ]

...Yves. If I became afflicted, and I killed someone, would you tell me you no longer cared for me?

[noirges]

No.

[ immediately, because yves has proven this enough times in the trials themselves. he is adamant about still loving whoever is voted for. he is unafraid. ]

I would still love you.

[historicals]

[ absolutely unsurprising answer - there's a soft bloom of fondness, and he smiles, a little helplessly. ]

So why will you not extend yourself the same courtesy?

[noirges]

... I'm not afflicted. [ to start. this was entirely his choice. and. ]

But... I can't forgive myself the same way that I forgive everyone else, because I don't love myself the way I love everyone else.

[ and that isn't hard to say either—because yves is so loving, so kind, and so generous. he gives and he gives and he gives and he leaves

nothing behind.

and he's known that all along ]

[historicals]

I didn't think you were.

[ this seems like it would have gone a lot differently if he was, actually. ]

In fact... that is almost how I know for sure that you are in your own mind - because you received this burden and felt as though you must be the one to perform the action. These two beliefs are in tandem, my friend - that you do not love yourself, and that you chose to take the action.

It scares me, sometimes. [ empathy reflects in his emotions - an ache of something longing, a sadness, an understanding. a vulnerable, fluttering baby bird in his ribcage of fear for a friend. ] The way that you treat yourself. I think I am not the only one.

[noirges]

[ scary? an ugly chord gets struck within yves in that moment, something understanding but also fearful. he doesn't want to scare people. that's part of what happened today—to know that koharu screamed when he took action and that laurence felt revulsion. feelings that yves couldn't help in any way after or soothe with his usual hugs and affection.

because sometimes this is what he does, because he feels like he has to. ]

... it's what I know, now. [ tentatively, because taair has seen yves' memories. he's seen the way that he lost everyone he could count on one by one until the only person left to play the heavy role of tragic hero was him. ]

If something gets handed to me... I complete it. Even if it hurts... because I don't want anyone else to.

[historicals]

[ maybe - maybe he's finally starting to get through? just a little. he shifts a little in his seat, and covers yves' hand gently with his own. ]

I know it is. [ empathy, again - it aches in those two words, all concern and care. ] But, that has its repercussions, does it not? That devastates you. And - though you will shield those who care for you from committing a grave act, instead we are hurt to see how badly completing that act hurt you. You can say that it is not a comparative pain, but... for someone like me, and for many of us, it is. The people I have come to call my friends are precious to me beyond compare, and as badly as it hurts you to see us suffer, it hurts me to watch the same for you.

I hope... perhaps you will believe it especially, because it is coming from me. [ there's this tiny pulse of his emotions, a thread that has been faint, just barely there but never gone at every moment of this week. it's more visible, now. loneliness, bird-bone-hollowness. ]

But you are not alone any longer, Yves. You do not have to be. You do not have to bear the brunt and the weight by yourself, when there are so, so many hands here that will carry it side by side with you. We can share the load. We can share the grief. Perhaps not in the killing blow, but in the knowledge of what had to come, and in the discussion of its weight and heft, and in the long moments before and after.