chapter three: pointless dreams

[historicals]

CW: Suicidal ideations, character death

You spent a week - the single best week of your life - in the town of Convallaria, finally free of your cage. Yet, in these moments of great joy, you are far, far too smart not to see what's happening.

When Princess Inanna, the final daughter of King Faris, revealed herself to the public as alive, but merely in hiding, the joy you felt was unfathomable. Inanna is a wonderful person - you met her, here, in this town. You cannot think of anyone who could take Iria into better hands.

(Selfishly. Selfishly, you were excited, too. How could you not be? There was still one final heir to King Faris - a wonderful, kindhearted ruler, who matched your ideals, but had no controlling force. She could take care of Iria. She would ruin Caris' plan, to install you as their ruler. You could finally be free - to continue to live your life like this, out among the people, traveling, learning, free.)

But, you learn through the grapevine that Caris has asked Samantha and the leader of Convallaria to have peace talks with Inanna as the queen regent, and they go poorly. You hear whispers it was supposed to be an assassination attempt, and while it warms you that Samantha couldn't go through with it, the implications of what are to come are far worse. Inanna will not go quietly, Iria will not quietly lay itself at the feet of the Papal States, as it should not.

It means Caris will take action, and that terrifies you.

The leader takes it the most personally, because he is a good person. You visit him one night - and though your talk is one you hope will encourage him, you know too it is much more than that. Your talk, with dread in your heart, is a goodbye, so you decide to tell him of your life's work, your dream. And you gift him your most important possession one evening, as he looks up at you from his desk with all the weight of the world on his shoulders.

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1:53 - 1:58
My role is of a pawn in this conflict.

As you predicted, it takes mere days before you are returned unceremoniously back to your birdcage after your first taste of freedom - and as ever, you are set into the position of a passive observer.

You still cannot leave the palace. Caris warns that the unrest in Iria is too much, that the assassination attempt on your life when you were finally able to walk free terrified her, and you can do nothing but emptily smile and agree.

Even still, things are different, now - you have a friend. Several. Connections you made in the week in Convallaria town, and as you collect the news from guards and men like you always do, you write letters to the Leader of the mercenary group, to Samantha, to Inanna, and you watch with a historian's eye with apprehension and concern as things go from bad to worse.

Still, you try to provide comfort. You believe in the leader's capability's - he is clever and strong, and more than anything, his heart is truly set on finding peace in this land. He writes to you of a rebellion in the Mine Pit, a land currently controlled by the Papal States, and it's eerily familiar to the rebellion you studied in your histories. The leader tells you about the old aristocracy member Samantha cut down to try to save the workers from their conditions, some cousin of yours you've never spoken to, and it warms your heart. But more worryingly, you can see the way the cogs are turning, the wider picture across the land as Iria begins to spiral downwards, downwards, downwards, and the Papal States' control begins to tighten.

Caris wants Inanna dead. She wants you in her place, calls you the rightful King like its a pet name. It's the last thing you've ever wanted, and you dread every whisper, every fitting of new clothing, every way Caris looks at you over dinner like a pet. You can see the greed in her eyes, and it sinks into your bones.

After a few weeks, you learn that Samantha and the leader are coming to meet with the Bishop, and your heart swells with the thought. How desperately you want to see the both of them - and with some cajoling and a convenient missive that falls across Caris' lap that may or may not have been a meeting you set up to send the palace guards away and keep her busy, a broad stroke of brilliance she never expects from her caged bird, she agrees that it's fine that you receive them. You will be the king soon, after all.

Caris pats you on the head, so kind, so patronizing, and sends you on your way to the dining hall.

--ꕥ--

When Samantha and the Leader arrive, you're happy to see them, happy you can speak freely together, but... to call the mood somber would be putting it lightly.

Things are falling apart. The Mine Pit is in shambles, their rebellion crushed to pieces. Convallaria town lacks resources - basics, like food and water. And to top it off, you learn that Caris has asked Samantha to assassinate three people, now. First, that old noble. Then, the Prince Lutfi - second successor to the throne of Iria, who died the same day as his elder brother, clearing the path to the throne. An "accident", according to the papers.

And finally, most recently, the very mercenary who had once brought you back to your birdcage. Miguel, who must have known too much. Samantha is gentle, and kindhearted. Killing people is not what she was meant for - you know she must have been the one who was tasked to kill Inanna, too - and you can see it in the deadness of her eyes. She drinks an entire bottle of wine and then some at dinner, and decides to leave abruptly, telling you and the leader both she needs to get some air.

As Samantha leaves, you and the leader both watch her go. You falter, for a long moment - the worry creasing his face hurts you, and for a moment, you flounder for another topic. Something to cheer him, something to keep the both of you from dwelling too harshly on Samantha when she clearly wants to be left alone.

"My friend," you start. "Have I ever told you of my dream?"

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1:01 - 1:04:03
Do you believe I might see it realized?

The moment is tremulous and tender. You ask if one day you might see your simple, simple dream - the real one, not just the one of writing Iria's history, but living an Irian's life - realized, with the tiniest thread of hope in your voice. You've never lost it, hope, despite the years of despair you've spent alone in this castle. The leader can't say anything in response. You both think you might know the answer.

After all, if Caris has her way, Inanna will die, and you will ascend the throne in her place. As Caris' puppet, as her pawn. Twenty years of solitude, and a lifetime of sorrow to come. Freedom - the simple joys of becoming of a scholar of the lands, of traveling, of learning, of knowing others -- has never been a path for you.

Before either of you can really consider the conversation any further, though, you're interrupted. Two figures - the leader seems to know one - enter the palace. You were the one who sent away the guards, with Caris, and people were able to sneak in because of it.

You frown. They're both dressed in simple clothing, a little dirtied. Skinny. Exhausted. These are Irians of the Mine Pit. Both of them are armed.

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1:04 - 1:09
character death
"My friend...the Iria River is within sight."

The thing is, you saw the crossbow coming.

You both tried to talk of peace. You saw it wasn't going to work. You saw the anger and confusion and fear in the male miner's eyes. You saw his fingers tighten on the crossbow. You saw your friend, who bravely stood in front of you to protect you. You saw desperation. You saw -- you saw a chance to save someone you cared for, and selfishly, you saw freedom.

And the minute the man looked like he was going to pull the trigger, you didn't even hesitate. You shove the leader out of the way, and the bolt makes a direct hit - right to the chest. The force of it knocks you, little bird, flying backwards, and the leader barely catches you.

Your mouth tastes like blood - you feel no pain, from the crossbow bolt, as your body starts to shut down and your vision goes blurry. You're going to die, you think, from a distance, as the leader desperately tries to staunch your injury around the bolt, as blood seeps from your chest, onto your white clothes. You're going to die.

You close your eyes. In the background, you can hear the rebels, and you hear Samantha scream your name - her voice sounds angry, and you manage to raise yours, to ask her, beg her, not to hurt the rebels. It's not their fault. You are a symbol of their indignity, because you don't get to have your own identity, your own choices. You don't want anyone to die. You have never, ever wanted anyone to die. Not by your hand, not by the State's hand, by Caris' greed and intention. No more bloodshed. If only your death was enough.

Desperately, Samantha turns to you and casts healing spells - over, and over, and over. You feel them start to take, and then stop, as your heartbeat is slowing, bit by bit - you hear Samantha hit the ground on her knees, and start to sob as she casts her spells, weaker and weaker as she drains her magic.

You don't feel any pain. You don't feel any need to cling to life. In fact, you wish Samantha would stop trying to heal you, and all you feel is relief when the spells don't work, but you thank her for the effort, polite even on your deathbed. The thing is, you want to die. How long have you wanted to die? How long have you desperately hoped you could escape your circumstances? How long have you looked at the horizon, the distant ground from your tower, and wondered how it might feel just to jump?

You close your eyes and see visions of mountains. Wheat fields swaying gently in the wind. The Irian River. You feel warm. So, so warm. You find yourself smiling, as your heartbeat slows to one final beat.

When death takes you, it feels like a song. Caris can no longer use you against Iria. Against your will.

You're free. You, Taair Khalisa Nasir, are finally free.

--ꕥ--

(When you wake up in the Heavens, you can hardly stand your joy - you're surrounded by people, by new friends, by knowledge of worlds you couldn't have even dreamed of. One day later, you learn you are to seek redemption, and return to your birdcage. Right back where you started. You have sinned by forgetting you duty. The Radiant is always watching.

As it turns out, freedom is an impossibility for you. Even in death.)