[ my general the voice he heard before echoes in his head. my uncle. both of them dead, from choices made too late. does he do them any justice by ignoring it? was it even real?
his gaze turns back outwards, towards his window. ]
Unfortunately, there was not enough my meager magic could really help with, and... war is one of the many constants of our many different lives. [ quietly: ] Many casualties, as are to be expected.
[ my memory is so so, he wants to say, and this is not untrue, but...
he just kind of looks away. it's harder to lie to jiaoqiu in the face of knowing he was part of the reason two people he must have dearly loved died. ]
[ he sighs, a little, looking down at his hands. ]
Jiaoqiu, I... [ couldn't he just say it? voice an opinion for himself? i don't want people to hurt because they think they're helping me. i am so tired of being protected. i do not want to hurt others because someone else tells me they think it will help.
he closes his eyes, and his shoulders sink. he takes in a deep breath. in, and out.
and then taair smiles, melancholy, but smiling nevertheless. gilded golden strings that jerk so naturally. ] ...Very well. Then... if there is something you want to know, I'll tell you.
...Jiaoqiu, I do not find any healing in you taking on more pain as if to free me from it. It is sucking the poison out from a wound and taking it on yourself. In fact, it will make me feel worse.
And... I do not want you to tell me it won't matter, because you just told me that you wouldn't tell me if it did.
[ yea, he changed his mind because that sad little smile upset him... ]
I said no such thing. [ first of all, but: ] You see it this way and assume that I do too, and you shouldn't. Speaking your worries is sharing the burden, not offloading it onto me.
Regardless, I shouldn't have asked. You have the free will to tell me what you want, and I've overstepped. My apologies.
It's alright. I don't need you to apologize to me. [ he says, gently. ] You should feel comfortable and at ease confiding in me. If I've failed to make that happen, it's my problem, not yours.
[ a beat. ]
In any case. I suspected as much. I've heard some from the others. [ ... ] But I've already been through what you experienced, and it doesn't hurt me the way I think it might hurt you.
[ that's not the point, it's - just making things worse, so he just shuts up about it, and listens to what jiaoqiu says, and looks down at his hands in his lap. ]
I'm not unused to war. [ the front lines, yes, but - his very first experience out was with a group of refugees, who so kindly took him in. and his final moments of life were... well. ] Its ravages have destroyed countless lives in my homeland.
And... I wish I better knew what to say. [ unfortunately, he too is a private person, though it's more by necessity than it is by choice. but, jiaoqiu wants him to try, so. ] Only that I am sorry that you have had to experience such things.
[ a little smile with the first bit, accepting the sentiment, because. yeah! warfare. ] I know Claude is quite familiar with it as well...I imagine many of us are. In that sense, I am glad that - whatever this strange experience was, it was something that at least we were equipped to handle.
[ even the tragedies that came with it, the senseless death - it was all such a whirlwind of familiarity, for better or for worse.
jiaoqiu is and has been very kind - that is not unfamiliar at all, and the comfort and security he provides in these statements is not unnoticed. there's a soft huff, and his smile is a bit rueful, as he looks down and admits: ]
It is not something I am so practiced in doing - you will have to forgive me. [ asking for his wants. what taair wants never matters. ] And it is not you, I swear, but rather, it is my own rusted skills that are the issue. You have always been kind, Jiaoqiu, and I find you very easy to talk to.
[ another moment of silence, as he weighs it over. it's... fine, to proceed forward. he thinks - the steps just may be unsteady. ] ....What did the others tell you? Let's start there.
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historicals) wrote2025-02-08 03:32 pm
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[ ah. his face falters a bit, but, he shakes his head, curling his hands in his lap. ]
But, a military encampment is no place for peace. So... lively, but short lasted.
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You were attacked, I assume.
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[ my general the voice he heard before echoes in his head. my uncle. both of them dead, from choices made too late. does he do them any justice by ignoring it? was it even real?
his gaze turns back outwards, towards his window. ]
Unfortunately, there was not enough my meager magic could really help with, and... war is one of the many constants of our many different lives. [ quietly: ] Many casualties, as are to be expected.
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[ first of all. but: ]
I don't understand why you were... you should not be able to be mara-struck. It isn't possible.
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as for the last bit ]
That is what we thought there, as well, but nothing was as it seemed. I don't suppose whatever it was played by normal rules, either...
[ but yeah of course he will confirm that's what it was. jiaoqiu has eyes ]
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hmm. he continues to clean wounds, thinking. ]
You are being vague on purpose.
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he just kind of looks away. it's harder to lie to jiaoqiu in the face of knowing he was part of the reason two people he must have dearly loved died. ]
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[ gently. ]
Claude and Richie both have mentioned names they should not know to me. [ ... ] I'd like you to talk to me about it. Don't worry about my feelings.
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no. anyway. he flinches a little, and curls his fingers tighter in the blankets. ]
...I can't just do that. [ not worry about his feelings. ] It is not as if you caused anything that happened, either.
[ he can't resist long, though. it isn't as if he's ever been anything but obedient. ]
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No, of course not. This isn't about me. [ well it kind of is but like ] A healer must treat all parts of his patient. Not only the physical.
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... And if it weighed further upon the healer's mind in exchange, would he tell me that it did? Or would he say that it didn't?
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It doesn't matter. If you don't tell me, I will hear it from someone else. I may as well help you while I'm at it.
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...So by not answering me, you answer me.
[ he sighs, a little, looking down at his hands. ]
Jiaoqiu, I... [ couldn't he just say it? voice an opinion for himself? i don't want people to hurt because they think they're helping me. i am so tired of being protected. i do not want to hurt others because someone else tells me they think it will help.
he closes his eyes, and his shoulders sink. he takes in a deep breath. in, and out.
and then taair smiles, melancholy, but smiling nevertheless. gilded golden strings that jerk so naturally. ] ...Very well. Then... if there is something you want to know, I'll tell you.
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Speak your mind. What were you going to say?
[ listen. he sees that smile and he KNOWS it. he does it himself. he's a massive hypocrite and he will, in fact, press and needle. ]
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[ it's not accusatory or anything - just comes with that sad little smile. there's nothing new there, either. ]
It's alright. It is not like me to hide the truth, so. Please, ask the questions that you would like.
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No.
[ noot noot ]
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Jiaoqiu, if I tell you what I think, you will tell me that it doesn't matter, and we will be trapped in this circle for all eternity together.
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I don't want to know if you're going to tell me it like I've forced it from your lips. This does not help either of us.
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[ :<
after a long moment, he sighs. ]
...Jiaoqiu, I do not find any healing in you taking on more pain as if to free me from it. It is sucking the poison out from a wound and taking it on yourself. In fact, it will make me feel worse.
And... I do not want you to tell me it won't matter, because you just told me that you wouldn't tell me if it did.
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I said no such thing. [ first of all, but: ] You see it this way and assume that I do too, and you shouldn't. Speaking your worries is sharing the burden, not offloading it onto me.
Regardless, I shouldn't have asked. You have the free will to tell me what you want, and I've overstepped. My apologies.
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he flinches a little, at this, and ducks his head. if there was anything to push back about he drops it. ]
…I should be the one to apologize. [ why did he push? Why didn’t he just say yes? should have just said yes. ] I misunderstood. I’m sorry.
I… only hesitated because it was so close to you. That’s all.
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It's alright. I don't need you to apologize to me. [ he says, gently. ] You should feel comfortable and at ease confiding in me. If I've failed to make that happen, it's my problem, not yours.
[ a beat. ]
In any case. I suspected as much. I've heard some from the others. [ ... ] But I've already been through what you experienced, and it doesn't hurt me the way I think it might hurt you.
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... You... haven't failed that all.
[ that's not the point, it's - just making things worse, so he just shuts up about it, and listens to what jiaoqiu says, and looks down at his hands in his lap. ]
I'm not unused to war. [ the front lines, yes, but - his very first experience out was with a group of refugees, who so kindly took him in. and his final moments of life were... well. ] Its ravages have destroyed countless lives in my homeland.
And... I wish I better knew what to say. [ unfortunately, he too is a private person, though it's more by necessity than it is by choice. but, jiaoqiu wants him to try, so. ] Only that I am sorry that you have had to experience such things.
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he's quiet, for a moment, thinking. ]
It is not an uncommon thing, war. I'm sorry you've experienced it as well. [ he tilts his head. ]
Do you want to talk about this further? Or should I drop it? [ ear flick. ] Tell me to drop it, if that's how you feel. I mean it.
Do not flinch so terribly at being open with what you want with me, little hummingbird. My teeth are old and soft. I won't bite.
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[ a little smile with the first bit, accepting the sentiment, because. yeah! warfare. ] I know Claude is quite familiar with it as well...I imagine many of us are. In that sense, I am glad that - whatever this strange experience was, it was something that at least we were equipped to handle.
[ even the tragedies that came with it, the senseless death - it was all such a whirlwind of familiarity, for better or for worse.
jiaoqiu is and has been very kind - that is not unfamiliar at all, and the comfort and security he provides in these statements is not unnoticed. there's a soft huff, and his smile is a bit rueful, as he looks down and admits: ]
It is not something I am so practiced in doing - you will have to forgive me. [ asking for his wants. what taair wants never matters. ] And it is not you, I swear, but rather, it is my own rusted skills that are the issue. You have always been kind, Jiaoqiu, and I find you very easy to talk to.
[ another moment of silence, as he weighs it over. it's... fine, to proceed forward. he thinks - the steps just may be unsteady. ] ....What did the others tell you? Let's start there.
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